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Monday, April 3rd, 2006
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3:51 pm - been a LONG time
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I was cruisin through here for shits and giggles so I thought I would post again.
I don't really have anything to say. I have a job interview on Tuesday for a "career"-type job... HA!
Lin and I are doing well... she's really my favorite [person in the whole world]!
I would probably have more to say if I was still a tortured, sad college girl with nothing good going on, but I'm not, in fact, I might just be the opposite.
Weird morning...
I couldn't sleep until 8:30 this morning, long after I should have been out of bed. What did I do last night? I crocheted and watched Law & Order, not enough to really cause insomnia, but I suppose it worked. SO I read the 5th Harry Potter until 4am, because I still haven't finished it, then laid in bed while Lin held me and tried not to toss too much and wake her up. At 8:30, after her alarm had been going off for like an hour, I was like, 'Are you getting up?', and she got out of bed. I promptly fell straight to sleep and woke up crying at 9:17... it was scary. So then I drove her to the store and had a banana and a double redeye. I think I'm officially awake now, though I'm a caffeinated version of Frankenstein's monster, and probably will be for the next several hours until I do it all again tonight! w00t! There's a word I haven't used in forever...
I thought I would spice up y'all's friends pages with a lil post...
pink stars forever,
p*.
current mood:  awake bc of caffeine
current music: Don't recognize it
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| Sunday, April 3rd, 2005
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9:51 pm
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#1 The Bible
#2 Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
#3 Don Quixote by Miguel de Cervantes
#4 The Koran
#5 Arabian Nights
#6 Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain
#7 Gulliver's Travels by Jonathan Swift
#8 Canterbury Tales by Geoffrey Chaucer
#9 Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne
#10 Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman
#11 The Prince by Niccolo Machiavelli
#12 Uncle Tom's Cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe
#13 Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank
#14 Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert
#15 Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens
#16 Les Miserables by Victor Hugo
#17 Dracula by Bram Stoker
#18 Autobiography by Benjamin Franklin
#19 Tom Jones by Henry Fielding
#20 Essays by Michel de Montaigne
#21 Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck
#22 History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire by Edward Gibbon
#23 Tess of the D'Urbervilles by Thomas Hardy
#24 Origin of Species by Charles Darwin
#25 Ulysses by James Joyce
#26 Decameron by Giovanni Boccaccio
#27 Animal Farm by George Orwell
#28 Nineteen Eighty-Four by George Orwell
#29 Candide by Voltaire
#30 To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
#31 Analects by Confucius
#32 Dubliners by James Joyce
#33 Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck
#34 Farewell to Arms by Ernest Hemingway
#35 Red and the Black by Stendhal
#36 Das Capital by Karl Marx
#37 Flowers of Evil by Charles Baudelaire
#38 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
#39 Lady Chatterley's Lover by D. H. Lawrence
#40 Brave New World by Aldous Huxley
#41 Sister Carrie by Theodore Dreiser
#42 Gone with the Wind by Margaret Mitchel
#43 Jungle by Upton Sinclair
#44 All Quiet on the Western Front by Erich Maria Remarque
#45 Communist Manifesto by Karl Marx
#46 Lord of the Flies by William Golding
#47 Diary by Samuel Pepys
#48 Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway
#49 Jude the Obscure by Thomas Hardy
#50 Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury
#51 Doctor Zhivago by Boris Pasternak
#52 Critique of Pure Reason by Immanuel Kant
#53 One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
#54 Praise of Folly by Desiderius Erasmus
#55 Catch-22 by Joseph Heller
#56 Autobiography of Malcolm X by Malcolm X
#57 Color Purple by Alice Walker
#59 Essay Concerning Human Understanding by John Locke
#60 Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison
#61 Moll Flanders by Daniel Defoe
#62 One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
#63 East of Eden by John Steinbeck
#64 Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison
#65 I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou
#66 Confessions by Jean Jacques Rousseau
#67 Gargantua and Pantagruel by Francois Rabelais
#68 Leviathan by Thomas Hobbes
#69 The Talmud
#70 Social Contract by Jean Jacques Rousseau
#71 Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson
#72 Women in Love by D. H. Lawrence
#73 American Tragedy by Theodore Dreiser
#74 Mein Kampf by Adolf Hitler
#75 Separate Peace by John Knowles
#76 Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath
#77 Red Pony by John Steinbeck
#78 Popol Vuh
#79 Affluent Society by John Kenneth Galbraith
#80 Satyricon by Petronius
#81 James and the Giant Peach by Roald Dahl
#82 Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov
#83 Black Boy by Richard Wright
#84 Spirit of the Laws by Charles de Secondat Baron de Montesquieu
#85 Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut
#86 Julie of the Wolves by Jean Craighead George
#87 Metaphysics by Aristotle
#88 Little House on the Prairie by Laura Ingalls Wilder
#89 Institutes of the Christian Religion by Jean Calvin
#90 Steppenwolf by Hermann Hesse
#91 Power and the Glory by Graham Greene
#92 Sanctuary by William Faulkner
#93 As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner
#94 Black Like Me by John Howard Griffin
#95 Sylvester and the Magic Pebble by William Steig
#96 Sorrows of Young Werther by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
#97 General Introduction to Psychoanalysis by Sigmund Freud
#98 Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood
#99 Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee by Dee Alexander Brown
#100 Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess
#101 Autobiography of Miss Jane Pittman by Ernest J. Gaines
#102 Emile by Jean Jacques Rousseau
#103 Nana by Emile Zola
#104 Chocolate War by Robert Cormier
#105 Go Tell It on the Mountain by James Baldwin
#106 Gulag Archipelago by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
#107 Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert A. Heinlein
#108 Day No Pigs Would Die by Robert Peck
#109 Ox-Bow Incident by Walter Van Tilburg Clark
#110 Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes
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| Sunday, February 27th, 2005
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7:08 pm
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Consider the following repealed:
There are some things I want to tell you about the events of this past spring. First of all, that was weird time in my life, and most of the things I did then were really childish, and not like the real me at all. I understand completely every reason you probably have for not trusting me, had I been in a similar situation with myself< I would not have trusted me, either. I am not asking for your friendship, your trust, or your understanding, even. Just that you take into consideration that everyone has their off-times, and their off-days, days when they lash out at whomever they may bring down in order to lift themselves up. I want to offer you my most sincere apology for the things I have said and done that may have hurt or angered you... do with it what you will.
you are just a jerk, honey.
p*.
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6:30 pm - one more rant for the record books...
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It has been a really long time since i went on a rant in this space, they usually get some rumor started about how i hate someone, or how i fucked someone, or how i basically just fucked up, but I dont' give a shit anymore> This place is a hotbed of fucking rumors, and I'm tired of it. If you fuckers have nothing better to talk about than other people's business, so be it.
On that note, I'm sick and tired of people saying things about me. I find out that C* told everyone I tried to make out with her at the drag king show last friday night - what the fuck is that? She's far too concerned with her appearance for me to ever even think about her - NOT ATTRACTIVE! Yes, honey, you're hot, in that typical barbie kind of way, but you are so NOT HOT in any way that would bring me calling at your door - or make me want to make out with you, no matter how drunk i was.
Anyone who thinks i have a crush on them in this town, is totally confused. The only person in this town that I would remotely consider dating at this moment has become one of my best and closest friends, and has the exact same problems I do - people talking too much about her and butting their noses into her personal business. And besides, we've tried the dating thing - twice - and it didn't work out, so we're just friends. On that note, you should all know I'm single and NOT LOOKING right now... no matter what. So you can take your ideas about me having crushes on you and throw them out the window.
Here's another thing that pisses me off: a skinny little dyke bitch who never reads for class - then pretends she knows what she's talking about when someone else has an insightful comment to make... a chic who will never understand queer theory if it bit her on the fucking clitoris, and that's no fucking joke. My education is too important to me to let some pampered little brat get away with that shit.
So there are certain people I am cutting out of my life< COMPLETELY >from this moment on. No questions asked, please don't ask me why, because if you have to ask why, you're probably one of those people. There are two folks in this world that I have no desire to set my eyes on again, which sucks cuz I have class with one of them.
Anyone else who is not mentioned in this post, need not take anything seriously or personally... it might just be a jest... a hoax, a joke, if you will... I like seeing how far the rumor mill stretches sometimes, because i fucking hate it. Try to spread the word about something of quality and value around here and it just fucking dies, but spread some drama, and it goes on for days...WHAT THE FUCK?
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| Sunday, January 23rd, 2005
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10:45 am
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 | You scored as Albus Dumbledore. Strong and powerful you admirably defend your world and your charges against those who would seek to harm them. However sometimes you can fail to do what you must because you care too much to cause suffering.
Albus Dumbledore | | 85% | Harry Potter | | 80% | Hermione Granger | | 75% | Remus Lupin | | 70% | Sirius Black | | 60% | Severus Snape | | 60% | Ron Weasley | | 55% | Draco Malfoy | | 55% | Ginny Weasley | | 55% | Lord Voldemort | | 40% | </td>
Your Harry Potter Alter Ego Is...?
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10:36 am - Really good night last night...
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I just needed to write about this because no one is awake to talk to yet.
I went out with Z last night, and she is amazing! I have had a crush on her since my freshman year, and I finally got to hang out with her. We went to BeanStreets last night and had coffee and talked, and then we were walking down to gypsy moon, and i slipped and fell on the icy street, so we decided to come back to campus and hang out in my room and have tea. By the way, she is addicted to CourtTV, which is soooo like my thing - all those cop/forensic shows, and so we hung out here and watched TV and drank tea, and then she left like two hours later.
I am sooo into her right now, and hopefully we will get to see each other again, but she is soooo fucking amazing!
I can't believe I'm actually interested in someone right now, but if it was going to be anyone, it would have been her. And that Jamaican accent, holy shit, it's sooo hot!
Anyway, enough rambling from me now, I'll talk to you guys soon.
p*.
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| Monday, January 10th, 2005
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8:49 pm - just an update...
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you know i never really write in here about things that are going on, but i had a weird break, and when i got back to school it was like everything fell back into place. when i got home, i found out that both of my great grandmothers had been put in nursing homes. lovie is 89 and has alzheimer's pretty bad, she always thinks i'm my mom, and asks about my dad, which is my grandfather, her son, who died 2 years ago... and eva is 88 and her mind is still all there, it's just her body that's failing her, so she's really depressed because she cant' drink ten manhattans and go dancing all night anymore. It's really depressing to see them there. Then they changed my mom's job, so I couldnt work over break, and I called all my babysitting contacts, and only one of them called me back the last week i was home, so i made $44 babysitting two nights, and that was my entire source of income. The one good thing that happened was that my stepdad got approved for disability. So then I get back to school today, in debt like $800 to the school, and having no money for books, and not being registered for class or any such stuff like that, and I went to debbie's office and she looked at my account and said i had $2808 in unmet need, and sent me to financial aid to see if they could give me any more money, and they did! they gave me $2808 and the check will be ready by 10am tomorrow! Then, I called my mom to give her the good news, and she was like, yeah, I was about to call you and let you know that I was putting money in youra ccount, because Daniel got a $4000 check in the mail from the disability people today! It's like everything good just happened at one time.
Also, I made a decision over break. I'm staying at Asheville, finishing up a second major in sociology, my minor in math, and my teaching licensure, and running for president again, so everyone be prepared to make mad pink stars in march! It's going to be a big year. I figure it will be easier on lots of people if when we get the new chancellor that I'm helping to pick, if there was an SGA pres who knew what was going on and how to work with the chancellor and the staff.... and the learning curve won't be there, so I can just pick up and run with SGA next year, which will be beautiful, because all of my time will be locked into this chancellor search this semester... Anyway, enough for the good news, this is one of the few times I've written in here without a rant, but I'm sure that's coming.
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| Tuesday, November 30th, 2004
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7:16 pm
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i can't handle this anymore.
just one nod from her and i'm on my knees again
crying like a baby over something that wasnt' good for me to start with
at least that's what i keep telling myself
but i miss it so much, whether it was good or not
i have this hole i can't fucking fill
and i need something to put in its place
and there's nothing out there that even looks tempting
what hte fuck is wrong with me?
i feel like no one loves me.
my stepdad threatened to kill my lil bro over break because he's gay
my grandmother thinks god shit me out of his asshole to be the bane of her existence
and i owe the world like a million dollars
nevermind that i'm sick
i have school to deal with and everything's turned upside fucking down.
I really need a hug right now.
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| Thursday, November 18th, 2004
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11:33 pm - so much...
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so much stuff going on right now...
i need to start writing in this thing again... it helps me get things out...
but... I moved. Mills 413 now... 255.7218... catch me here or somewhere else, as I am always running around campus like mad.
I finally told my mom belinda and i broke up... ididn't tell her anything substantial about it, just that we both decided it was time, and that whether it hurts this much or not, it's the right thing to do right now... she understood... she really liked belinda, too. the first girl I've been with that she really likes, but at least that's done with. everything feels more final when you tell your mom, though... how unfortunate is that? it's weird, but it's the truth.
now i just have to worry about the $600 dollars I owe campus, and that's not including the $180 I already owed them... Jesus, help me, please.
little things have reallly been getting to me lately, that needs to stop
i'm thinking about upping my dosage on the meds... that may help
if not it'll send me to lala land for a few months, and that could be nice, as well.
no real issues... no real crushes, nothing of that sort... i don't think i'm ready for that scene again yet, though I would like to take myself out to the bar to get trashed and flirt with random people... maybe make out with gay boys at straight bars like I used to... it was always fun... always made me feel like i was wanted by someone or something... who knows, it could help
school is really dragging me down right now
i have too much to do and no time to do it, which is everyone's story right now so i really shouldn't complain
i'm going to stop rambling though and just let this be like it is
i'll update more later
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| Monday, October 25th, 2004
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10:07 pm - randomness
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so I called Mags today, realizing that when we went for a drive last saturday night, I had admitted my crush on her... of course my mind analyzes everything to the end of existence, so I kept thinking she was never going to want to talk to me again because I had said that I had a crush on her, or she was thinking that she thought I was trying to hit on her or otherwise proposition her. So, when my mind finally let me stop thinking about it, I decided to call her and explain myself. Of course, she understood me well enough to know exactly what I was going to do [my 'oh my god' thing, as she calls it], and completely understood before I said anything. So we had a great conversation, she always makes me feel better about things, and is one of the dearest people in my life. Whether I am the same to her is of no real importance, just that I feel I can accept what she says at face value - which is hard with so many in my life right now, and has always been an issue for me. Anyway, she said she was thinking about asking me to stay at her house and keep her dogs on wednesday and thursday night b/c she's going out of town, and while her parents could totally take care of the dogs, she thought I might enjoy/need a few nights away from my apartment since BElinda and I had broken up. Of course, our drive came before we broke up, but from the way I was talking that night, she kind of knew the breakup was inevitable at that point, and was thinking about me. Needless to say, this made my day. I think getting the idea that i had a crush on her out there was quite the cathartic experience. Now she knows, and neither of us is going to let it impact the friendship we have built over the last few years. It's nice to know there is someone who has been so many places that I have and haven't yet been, and will listen to the slightly neurotic ramblings of a 22-year-old lesbian with a thing for 40-year-old women.
OK, with that, I'll stop rambling, and just admit that I do have a crush on someone whom I can never reveal that crush to, because she has a gf, and whether they are having problems or not, I can't interfere. and I wont. I cant be the reason anyone breaks up again, and I can't see someone who has a serious relationship going on with someone else, because I've done it before, and I can't let myself go through this mess again... it was a mess, too, for any of you who remember the Kim fiasco. BTW, I saw her at the club Saturday night. Oh yeah, and Kristin looked soooo good saturday night... she's really fucking hot.. . in a way I had never noticed before. Anyway... that'sa ll I really have to say right now, I'm trying not to focus on the fact taht B and I aren't together anymore, and that I came home to separate beds last nighta nd didn't have any twin sheets here because I didn't foresee this one. OH well... two nights at Maggie's and not being at this apartment should do some kind of trick for making me feel better. Maybe I won't tell Belinda that I"m staying there until she calls to ask where I"ve been... if that even happens. I would call her in a similar situation... but she's not me... and I can't expect anything out of her right now, for a thousand different reasons.
OK, enough of my neurotic ramblings... you guys don't want to hear them any more than I want to write them or deal with the feeling sbehind them. I have a health services appointment tomorrow tot alk about my emotional issues, and counseling on thursday. the counselor at least, is paid to listen to my ramblings... and she does a damned good job of it. I'm so glad I'm going back there now... I never should have stopped.
Anyway, I"m really stopping now.
Besitos.
current mood:  feelin groovy...
current music: none... mon nite football sounds from the living room
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| Saturday, October 23rd, 2004
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5:14 pm - apologies are hard but necessary at times like these
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I sent this to someone who I used to consider a friend, a person that used to bring a certain joy and laughter to my life that only a pissed-off midget could bring:
There are some things I want to tell you about the events of this past spring. First of all, that was weird time in my life, and most of the things I did then were really childish, and not like the real me at all. I understand completely every reason you probably have for not trusting me, had I been in a similar situation with myself< I would not have trusted me, either. I am not asking for your friendship, your trust, or your understanding, even. Just that you take into consideration that everyone has their off-times, and their off-days, days when they lash out at whomever they may bring down in order to lift themselves up. I want to offer you my most sincere apology for the things I have said and done that may have hurt or angered you... do with it what you will.
I post it here for those of you who may have felt the same way she has, that I have hurt or angered you in some way, that I have lashed out in a childish manner in order to further my own goals, or to bring more attention to myself. I admit my transgressions... please accept my admittance, and my sincere apology. If you would like to bring up specific events, please do... I am at a time in my life where I seek healing and balance, and in order to balance my world, I must make reparations in places where I have caused damages.
On another note:
Belinda and I broke up Monday... things are mostly ok. I still break down sometimes because my heart is broken, but mostly I am glad that we were able to break up and still remain friends. She has been my best friend since the beginning of our relationship, and we are both determined to keep the love we have for each other alive and thriving so that we can be the best of friends. I appreciate those of you who tell me you are sorry for my loss, and I especially appreciate the hugs, couches, and forehead kisses. What I need right now is a focus on the future and myself, so if I don't look sad, please don't tell me you are sorry, or you feel bad for me... I want you to tell me all the happy things in your life so as to renew my sense of happiness for my future. I do love you all. You make my life complete in so many ways.
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| Monday, October 11th, 2004
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9:57 pm
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"...especially now that you are a legal
scholar of some magnitude (and I am not trying to be funny)."
Dr. Gibney sure knows how to make my day...
and I was having sucha rotten one til I got that email, too.
B and I are fine, for those of you who were wondering...
Fall break sucked,a s always. Don't ask unless you want a seriously saddening story, or you havent' heard it yet.
ciao.
P*.
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| Saturday, October 9th, 2004
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7:38 pm
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playmash.com says:
Porscha will marry Belinda, drive a pink touareg, have 4 kids, live in Raleigh, NC and be President of the United States - that's the plan anyway, who knew chance was so good? who knew MASH could work?
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| Sunday, September 19th, 2004
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3:28 pm
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What am I doing wrong?
I'm always moody.
She's always moody.
This just won't fit in one small apartment.
I love her.
I can't lose her.
She is the only person who has ever loved me -
it's not some delusion she has placed in my head.
She is the only person who really cares -
my family never did, I"m not always sure my friends do.
She's the only person who offers to take me to the doctor when I don't feel good.
She's the only person who will hold me when I flip out.
She's the only person who cares whether I live or die,
but those precious moments when she says so are so few and far between now...
How am I supposed to deal with this?
It all makes no fucking sense... and it never will.
I hate being in love with someone who can't be affectionate
I hate being in love with someone who can't understand me...
I hate being crazy because it makes me feel all these ways when half of them arent' true...
I hate being crazy because it keeps me from being sane.
I hate being crazy because I can't have a normal relationship, or a healthily abnormal one...
I hate being in love because it's the same as being crazy.
I love her because I can be both and she's not leaving... yet.
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| Saturday, September 18th, 2004
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8:32 pm
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It's her day off, and she's been gone all day...
I miss her.
I need to get out of this apartment.
I need cigarettes.
I need sex.
I need affection.
I need to stop feeling like she's trying to get me to break up with her.
If she's going to do it, she needs to just do it.
I need her to start being healthy again.
I need her to understand that I need things.
I need her to listen to me.
I need to check the eggs I left boiling on the stove.
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| Friday, September 17th, 2004
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3:58 pm
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I tried to scrub my skin off in the shower today -
I thought if I did not have it,
I would not have to look at myself every day
and wonder what it would take to make me fit
In the spotless life you have made.
I keep having these dreams... I don't want to talk about them.
I don't write anymore because someone will read it.
I don't talk anymore because someone will listen.
I keep having these dreams... I don't want to talk about them.
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| Saturday, September 4th, 2004
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7:32 pm - All Too Fitting...
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7:23 pm - ARGH....
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Does anyone else have serious issues with having the same person make themself welcome in your home CONSTANTLY? I have no issues with roommates and such, but this one person keeps coming over like they fucking live here, and it just irritates the fuck out of me. Someone please lend me some support - everyone keeps telling me I'm fucking crazy.. I don't think i am.
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| Thursday, July 29th, 2004
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12:08 am
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on that last one, you're supposed to BOLD the ones you've done... I forgot to put that part in there... it's late/early and I can't sleep. forgive me?
Oh, and I packed my office today for move to the new Highsmith tomorrow... if all goes as planned, I should have keys at 8:30 Wednesday morning!
I'm way too excited - new office, new furniture, OH, and those "cubicles" they kept talking about really are as funky as Kevan Frazier said they would be, they are HOT... don't deny it, you can even choose wheter to close your little pie-slice piece of space off or not by rolling this arched cover behind you... HOTNESS!
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12:05 am
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01. Buy everyone in the pub a drink
02. Swim with dolphins
03. Climb a mountain
04. Take a Ferrari for a test drive
05. See the Pyramids at night
06. Hold a tarantula
07. Take a candlelit bath with someone
08. Say 'I love you' and mean it
09. Hug a tree
10. Do a striptease
11. Do a bungee or parachute jump
12. Visit Paris
13. Watch a lightning storm at sea
14. Clean behind the fridge
15. Stay up all night long, and watch the sun rise
16. Ask the question you've always been too embarrassed to ask.
17. See the Northern Lights
18. Go to a huge sports game- Cubs vs. Braves in Atlanta
19. Create your own masterpiece
20. Grow and eat your own vegetables
21. Touch an iceberg
22. Have an office relationship
23. Sleep under the stars
24. Compromise
25. Change a baby's nappy
26. Take a trip in a hot air balloon
27. Watch a meteor shower
28. Get drunk on champagne
29. Take a luxury holiday
30. Give more than you can afford to charity.
31. Look up at the night sky through a telescope
32. Have an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
33. Have a food fight
34. Bet on a winning horse
35. Take a sick day when you're not ill
36. Get a pet
37. Ask a stranger out
38. Have a snowball fight
39. Photocopy your bottom on the office photocopier
40. Scream as loudly as you possibly can
41. Hold a lamb
42. Enact a favorite fantasy
43. Take a midnight skinny dip
44. Hear the words 'I love you'
45. Fly on Concorde
46. Take an ice cold bath
47. Have a meaningful conversation with a beggar
48. See a total eclipse
49. Ride a roller coaster
50. Hit a home run
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